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So my thoughts are in a bad place tonight... I keep thinking of getting SO excited about the semi colon tattoo... I tattoo that supports those who consider and attempt suicide - a fantastic idea and a way for people to know they are not alone! I told someone I knew how excited I was and that I was considering it - only to be shut down with a, "It's for survivors who attempted, you shouldn't get one, that's inconsiderate" Funny, I don't express myself to them anymore... No, I never attempted suicide... my father tells me how he wants to, my father tells me about the times he almost did, I physically had to stop my best friend from succeeding, another friend fights not to try fairly often, and I myself have come close to attempting... who are you to tell me what is inconsiderate? You have no idea. |
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You know, I didn't think I could be any more misunderstood by the people around me... I was wrong... my brother just told me that I was "pissed"... I'm not angry... I'm hurt... I'm tired of being hurt on my birthday, so I don't want to do anything for it... for this, I get scolded and told that dad will blame himself for me not wanting to celebrate... I just don't feel like celebrating... two of my close friends are too busy with their boyfriends to talk to me... a third friend is avoiding a subject I need to talk about, and is pushing me to hang out with her boyfriend, who has feelings for me... hell, I can't even bitch on twitter because the major ones follow me... so here I am, hiding in my old room, waiting for my laundry to finish so I can go home and get away from this place of pain... I hope it finishes soon...
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So! After the sadness of the previous posts, here's a general status check. Tax season is starting, so I actually have things that are challenging at work. I'm studying for the BEC portion of the CPA exam now. It's really hard to get into doing that again. The material is boring and I simply HAVE to learn some of it. Dad is back in San Antonio and the roof work on the house is almost finished. I'm still struggling with my apartment complex about them charging me pet rent. They think they can, I know they can't. Ariel is becoming more loving every day - and more vocal, at that... all noplaceforgods' fault... My emotions are out of whack. They're not sure what they are anymore, other than tired. I miss Lauren, Alana, and both Amanda's... I just miss my support system. They're all there, I know, but I simply feel lonely. I want my mom home. I received a bonus at work. That was nice. I was told I should celebrate, so I ordered pizza and read all night. It's Sunday now, and all I want to do is sleep and read some more... really tempted to take a nap right now... That only just occurred to me. I think I'll do that... |
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"I want to give this to you and run away." How am I supposed to take that? I knew this would end badly. He's a friend, so I stick a smile on my face and open the carefully wrapped present. It's December 28th. It's one of those CD cases you buy to put burned cd's in. There's a gorgeous heart as the cover art. It's made of fire and is truly beautiful. "What is it?" I want to know if he made it or found the picture somewhere. " . . . It's a heart." "Well, duh. Where did you find it?" "Online." Oh... well that kind of ruined the idea that he had that talent. I figured that would be the answer, but still. I opened the case to see a folded piece of paper. Oh no. Please, God, no, not this again. I won't say what he wrote. I don't want to relive it again. It was a declaration of love. Pretty words, talking about how he would feel if he were kissing me. He's a friend. No more. Like a brother to me. How do you respond to something like this? I walk over and hug him. "I think I want to cry." He pulls me onto his lap. I'm terrified. "I already told you. I see you as a brother. No more." We talk. He says he can't stop thinking about me. That I creep into his mind throughout the days. That he loves me. I try to be honest with him. Tell him things, trying to explain my feelings. I don't see him that way. But I'm 23 and never had a boyfriend. Never had a first kiss. I don't see myself as beautiful. The longer I'm on his lap, the more uncomfortable I am. I don't want him to kiss me. I couldn't handle that. I don't want our friendship to change. We talk for hours, me trying to be honest with him, but the truth is that I feel the same. No different. I'm not really shocked, I already knew this. We'd talked about it before. He says he wants our friendship to grow. He wants to spend time just the two of us. So what's the problem? I'm single, I love him as a brother, he's a friend. Why wouldn't I want our friendship to grow? He's dating one of my best friends. They had their six year anniversary yesterday. She called while we were talking. She was crying. He finally left. Once the door is shut, I feel. I'm not numb, I'm not indifferent anymore. My heart breaks. It's not what you think. I don't see him that way, at all. No, my heart is breaking for the girl who is curled in a ball a few blocks over. The girl who is crying her heart out. The girl who's boyfriend is in love with her best friend. The girl who's heart is breaking while he's with someone else. I love her. I love her more than I love him. She is a true friend to me. He is not. All I want is to talk to her. To hold her. To help her. I am the one person she does not want comfort from right now. I call another friend because I cannot deal with this on my own. I'm hurting. I feel sick. I'm getting angry. He kept thanking me. I want to hit him. I hate him right now. I'm hurting so much because I know that she is hurting more. How do you deal with something like this? Me, I'm trying to lose myself in movies and books. Books aren't working. My mind drifts back to it constantly. I switch to movies. I watched two yesterday. I've already watched one today. Movies I've never seen before to keep my mind occupied. I went to bed at 7:30 last night. Woke up at midnight. Fell asleep again about 3. Woke up again about 9:30. All night my stomach felt sick. I realize I had a sweetbread and slice of pie. That's all. I didn't eat enough. I don't have the strength or appetite to eat anything else. I know everyone who cares about me would be pissed off at that. I don't care. I hurt. It won't stop. I can't call her. She has to call me. I can't bring her comfort. It hurts so much. I had to write about it. I don't feel better. But I feel... released, I suppose. If he asks for honesty again, I'm going to tell him no. I don't want to be honest with him. I don't want him to know me better. I want to be there for her, but because of him, I can't be. I know I'm hungry. I'm lost in my own mind. Everyone is unavailable. One is in another city, and I'm not up to the drive right now. One is probably at work, she always is. Another is the kind of personality I couldn't handle right now. There is no one else. The only other one is the one I have to wait to contact me. It just hurts. I told him it wouldn't change anything. I know now that's not true. I don't want to tell him that. I feel like I've made a choice. A choice I don't want to share. Talking about it once is one thing. Bringing it up again? Too far. He needs to move on. If he had kissed me, or if he ever tries to kiss me, I will not forgive him. I do not see him that way and would be disgusted if he did. I don't know what to do with the note. I want to throw it away. Burn it. I can't. I'm so lost. |
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Today is simply full of pain... I started off alright, other than not wanting to go to work... But once I was at work, I just felt off all day long... then, soon after lunch, I started feeling sick and hurting... I didn't even want to drive home... but I did... my brothers went to Missouri to pick up some stuff that my family was sending down... I hurt, so I didn't show much enthusiasm at seeing them... besides, they were with my father on father's day when I couldn't be... they have no idea how hurt I am by that... Anyway, I'm jumping from one thing to the next, and didn't really notice when Charles came in... so what do I do? I keep on my train of thought about the laundry... HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE WOULD JUMP STRAIGHT INTO "THAT'S THE FIRST THING SHE SAID" MODE?!?!?!?!?!? *ahem* anyway, he walks out without saying a word... Shawn comes in a little later to tell me Charles isn't talking to me anymore and "gives up" because he spent his 2 days off picking this crap up for me... I'm sorry, but I didn't ask you to! You're parents did! So here I am, frustrated, in pain, and crying, alone... Yes, I am throwing a pity party... I can't honestly say I give a crap anymore... I can't win with him... I always do or say something that pisses him off... he doesn't understand me and he doesn't want to try to understand me... all I want to do is move out because I can't live with him anymore... every few days it's something else he's throwing a tantrum over... I don't need to talk to him... I don't need to see him... I'll always love him, but he can just convince himself otherwise because this hurts like hell and I'm just SO tired of the pain... I can't keep it up... I'm not a miracle worker... I try, I really do, but how the hell am I supposed to know what will and won't set him off? I am in so much pain right now...
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WELL... I just wrote this long beautiful post, and it just deleted itself... short version... follow your heart... Genghis loves me and purred me to peace last night as I was falling apart remembering him... I love him... this was a better post than in the past... I am annoyed it dissappeared... The end.
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Holidays... They're either wonderful or terrible, right? Well, this year was terrible... Thanksgiving was survived, but I didn't really enjoy myself... And Christmas... *sigh* Let's just say I'm glad it's over... Of course, I'm going to vent anyway, so run away now if you don't want your holiday spirit dampened... First of all, none of the presents from my parents were wrapped... Honestly, I couldn't care less about getting presents, I really only enjoy the surprise factor and the whole having everyone around... Unfortunately, that didn't happen... My mom, in her genius, decided we could have our presents whenever we wanted... so I'm the only one who even got them on Christmas at all... Second, I talked to mom for maybe 20 minutes, max, on the day of... I didn't get to talk to dad at all... On Christmas, that sucks... Then, we went to someone else's house for dinner... I felt like an outsider the entire time... Of course, that's partially my fault... I felt miserable and let myself be on the outside... Then I felt pushed out when another friend asked me to leave... that wasn't really a big deal, but it felt like it to me, when to her it was just another day, as she doesn't celebrate Christmas... either way, I was hurt, but that's par for the course with her these days... her house no longer feels like a sanctuary to me... *sigh* To top it all off? My best friend decided to talk about how great this Christmas was... Yeah, for you... I'm glad she had a great one, really I am, but I'd rather not hear about it when I'm only glad it's over... I didn't need any of the things that I got, though I'm happy I have them now... but still, I don't feel I got anything of significance... There was nothing to scream over... nothing with any real meaning... I used to love Christmas... not because of any of the material or religious things about it, but because it was a time when family came together and remembered their love for one another... a time when they gave gifts just to see the smile on each others' faces... this was something i was denied this year... it hurts... worse yet, i know it's the last one that i'll spend living at this house... everything is going to change now, and I can't help feeling lost and alone... I'm heartbroken this holiday season... surrounded by friends and getting along with my brothers, I'm heartbroken... make sense out of that... Plus, I'm really sick of... well, i don't even know how to put THAT into words, so i'm gonna leave that off... let's just say i'm feeling particularly miserable with my self image right now... *sigh* I'm gonna stop depressing any of you reading this now... I keep saying i'm gonna post when feeling not so miserable, but i don't seem to be doing that... again, though, i'll try... I hope all of your holidays were better than mine... |
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Nothing really bad today... posting happy post like I should be doing... Planning out my graduation party, so that'll be fun... getting stuff done at home, which is always interesting... not much else going on... I'm back in San Antonio now, so the repetitive road trips are done... facebooking a little, which I don't usually do... Sorry, don't really feel like posting, so I'll try again later... |
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( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )
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Friends are the ones who are clueless when you're falling apart, but are there anyway.
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